What the Hell was I Thinking?

Let me tell you a little about myself.

From the fourth grade to my junior year of high school I wanted to be an architect.  Not just any architect, I aspired of being the next Franklin Lloyd Wright who would go on to have a state of the art building erected in Dubai—the capital of state-of-the-art-ness.  When my CAD teacher killed my love for architecture, I decided I would become a feature film director who would make Spielberg and Lucas look like amateur YouTubers.  With those plans I saw both fame and fortune in my future, and lots of it.  I grew up with the love for cars and knew that one day I would have a collection of exotic automobiles each with their own cozy place to sleep at night in the five car garage of the 10,000 square foot Tuscan style home I would one day design.  I split the cars into two categories.  One of my must-haves, and one called "that-might-be-nice-someday" as new pieces of machinery were unveiled.  The ones guaranteed a spot in my automobile stable were a Lamborghini Murcielago, a Ferrari F430, an Aston Martin DB9, a Porsche 911 GT3, and a Mercedes Mclaren.  I did the math to spare you some time; that would be next to a million dollars of Italian, British, and German made metal sitting in my garage at all times.

I knew my plans would be hard to rationalize being one who called himself a Christian.  Fortunately, I am pretty good at justifying things.  Of course, I would tithe the required ten percent; maybe even twenty when I was feeling generous.  I decided that I could use my cars to impact God's Kingdom by building one of my cars into a weekend getaway for two package being sold at a fundraising auction.  Surely people would spend a decent amount of money to own a $250,000 Lamborghini for the weekend, right?  When they did it would make everybody happy.  They would get to experience the thrill of a lifetime for an entire weekend, the fundraisers would earn more money, my heart would be overflowing with joy seeing the good my car did, and God would be pleased to see me using my possessions for His glory.  The house I would use for various church functions like a weekly Bible study, baptisms—since I would have a wicked nice pool, and other midweek get-togethers.

Then this hot little number came along—now my wife—and ever so gently told me that my plans were stupid and a waste.  As you can imagine, I did not take kindly to the great deal of wisdom she offered me, but I eventually—maybe stubbornly is a better suiting word—came to realize she was right.  She and God worked together and began to change the field of view of my heart and my desires from me to others.  Don't be fooled into thinking it was an overnight process, or that it has even been fully accomplished.

My goals have changed significantly.  I don't want any exotic cars, I'll never need a 10,000 square foot house.  I want to be living on less than half of my income as soon as possible and continue to live on less as time goes by.  At some point if I am called to, I would love to start a non-profit though doing what I have no idea.  I don't want to be an architect or a director, but a clinical psychologist because I want to walk with others in their struggles and cries.  I know I'm using 'I' here a lot, but don't worry, my wife is in the know and on board with these dreams.

However, my natural tendency is still to think about myself.  Those closest people to me hear my list of wants and know that it is far too long.  I am bent toward materialism because I find fascination in gadgets, technology, fashion, and the like.  I even asked my wife recently if I could buy a Ferrari if we were to get to a place of giving ninety percent of our income away and could still afford it.  Though she has no desire to own a Ferrari, she thought it a reasonable request and said yes.  Sooner than later I would like to own a house that Danika and I work with an architect to design on a few acres, and drive an Audi or BMW, nothing too fancy but still on the upscale side of things.

After the Justice Conference this weekend and examining all the problems going on, I don't know that I even want those things anymore.  I listened to Francis Chan speak about how much better it is, truly, to give rather than receive, how he made millions off of his books and proceeded to give it all away, and how people say its good to save money for emergencies if the only qualification of an emergency is that it happens to them and their family.  If we do get to a place where we are giving ninety percent of our income away, I don't want a Ferrari.  How could I honestly justify driving one of those knowing a little boy is going without food, or a father just had to sell his daughter to be raped so he could provide for his family.  I used to be able to justify it.  Before going to the Justice Conference, I probably could have, but not anymore.

Thankfully, Danika helps me turn that list of wants I mentioned earlier into a much shorter list of things I actually need.  Through her continuous help and challenging, I continue to want less and less, my heart is continually being changed, and I desire more and more to spend my money on others rather than myself.

Don't read this and be proud of me.  Don't compliment me for how my goals have changed so drastically.  I'm not writing this to be praised and it isn't me doing the changing in my heart.  Rather, join me by examining your heart, your goals, and your possessions.

Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.   -James 1:27